


A Platypus and his Ocelot

by MarisMartis



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Childhood abuse/trauma, Competent Heinz, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Ocelot Heinz AU, Well more like semi-competent, human-to-animal transmogrification
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-08 08:41:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18891100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarisMartis/pseuds/MarisMartis
Summary: Perry is assigned a new nemesis. Everything seems normal until one day he discovers his evil scientist isn't as human as he pretends to be...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I've seen plenty of Human!Perry fics, and a few Ocelot!Heinz fics, but I haven't found a fic with them BOTH as animals. So I decided to write one.

The first meeting had been normal. Completely average, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to alert Perry that his newly-assigned nemesis was anything less than the average evil scientist.

He rang the doorbell. A tall, thin man- much like a tree, if one were to ask Perry- with a hunched back and prominent chin had answered, looking more like a pharmacist than anything else.

(Later on, Perry would reflect on that moment and knew the uncanny feeling and slightly jittery movements of the man weren’t due to madness or caffeine at all.)

A moment of confusion as Perry handed him his business card. Pleasantries exchanged, as well as they could between nemeses, and Perry took his leave with a silent, unheard promise to be there the next day to thwart whatever evil plan the evil scientist had.

The first few fights were normal. Average. Almost boring. The scientist monologued, sometimes giving Perry glimpses into his past- the hatred of his parents, the favouritism shown towards his brother, the lawn gnome job, the works. Perry would then destroy whatever -inator he had made that day, and then leave to the shout of “curse you, Perry the Platypus!”

Something was off about Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and Perry for the life of him couldn’t figure out what.

Not until he came face to face with it.

An average fight turned much more dangerous than Perry had ever intended, but the -inator Doofenshmirtz had created had inadvertently put Phineas, Ferb and Candace- not to mention all of their friends- into the direct line of fire. And Perry just could not have that.

(In the aftermath of everything Perry could hardly remember what the -inator did, but he was pretty sure it had something to do with melting a certain landmark where Phineas, Ferb, Candace and all of their friends were hanging out that day.)

It was a day that changed everything. The day he found out the truth about Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

When he found out his nemesis wasn’t human at all.

* * *

The scientist let out a yelp as the small webbed foot slammed against his chest, sending him crashing to the ground. His body hitting the tile made a sound much louder than flesh and bone should have, but Perry had no time to think about it; instead he leapt at the -inator.

“Oh _no_ you don’t!” Doofenshmirtz cried, grabbing Perry by his tail and tossing him aside. Perry flipped mid-air and skid across the floor, gritting his teeth as he glared at the scientist now standing, seemingly unharmed, by the -inator.

The scientist reached for a button, and Perry knew he’d never make it in time. Thinking quickly he grabbed a fire extinguisher- ignoring the surprise that the scientist even _had_ a fire extinguisher- and chucked it with all of his might at the -inator.

It hit a big red button a second before Doofenshmirtz could activate his invention, and the scientist had only a moment to yell out in shock before the -inator exploded in a rather fiery display, engulfing Perry’s nemesis.

Perry’s eyes widened in shock. Doofenshmirtz had been caught in more than a few explosions in the month or so they’d been nemeses and had come out unscathed, but this -inator was different. Everything the flames and now-molten metal touched began melting, hot and red, instantly, and smoke completely obscured his view of the villain.

Chilled dread wormed its way down his spine and he could hardly breathe. He just wanted to get rid of the -inator, protect his family- he hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. Even less kill. What would his superiors in the agency say? What would his fellow agents?

 _There’s Perry the Platypus. He_ killed _his nemesis. Can you believe that? I know, I can’t imagine killing mine either! My nemesis means the_ world _to me, how could he do such a thing?_

They’d never trust him again- if he could kill his _nemesis_ by complete accident, what could he do on _purpose?_

Major Monogram would never give him another nemesis. What if he killed _that_ one too?

The smoke cleared up almost as fast as the thoughts flitted through his mind, and as the flames all but dissipated- leaving behind half-melted floor and walls and ceiling- Perry cautiously approached the mess he had caused.

He stopped, staring down at what remained of his nemesis.

There was no colour. Only a melted mess of silver quickly solidifying around a mess of wires and what might have once been an endoskeleton.

Perry’s dread morphed into confusion. _An android?_

“Are you _serious,_ Perry the Platypus?!” Doofenshmirtz’s voice was shrill as he yelled in disbelief. “Do you even _know_ how many _years_ it took me to _build_ that?! I don’t know exactly but it was a _lot_ of years! Like, maybe eight. Or ten. Or something around there!”

Slowly, Perry turned around. The space behind him was completely empty.

“Up _here,_ Perry the Platypus,” Doofenshmirtz’s voice chimed in irritably. “Seriously, why does _no one_ ever look _up?_ That’s horror movie 101 right there, you know.”

Perry looked up, towards the rafters on the ceiling that he had honestly never even noticed before. Why, he wondered, would a penthouse have rafters on the ceiling anyway?

Then his eyes locked onto blue eyes, much like the ones his nemesis had, yet the eyes were wrong. Sharper. Pupils thin, deep amber edging the iris and not a sign of sclera.

He took in the black stripes and spots against golden-brown fur, pointed ears, a long tail flicking against the rafter.

The ocelot was not smiling at him, despite the big grin on its muzzle. Its laid-down ears, its twitching tail, the drawn brow betrayed the cat’s agitation.

Perry wasn’t sure when he had stopped breathing in the shock of it all, but he managed to find his breath as the cat leapt down from the rafter and landed almost gracefully on the tile in front of Perry. Its claws were drawn, making tiny clicks against the floor as the ocelot stood up (notably, on all fours rather than its hind legs like Perry) and even though Perry was a good two inches taller standing on his hind legs, the ocelot still managed to make him feel small as it glared up at him.

“I sup _pose,_ now that the _cat’s_ out of the _bag,_ so to say,” the ocelot started, walking around Perry way too much like a predator for the platypus’ comfort, “I should _properly_ introduce myself. _I_ am the _real_ Heinz Doofenshmirtz, though admittedly I stopped _using_ the name _Doofenshmirtz_ long ago.”

(Not that Perry could blame him- what little he knew of his nemesis’ history, the Doofenshmirtz family was one no one would want to be associated with. Then again, at that moment in time all Perry could wonder about was if any of it had been true at all- after all, Heinz was an ocelot.)

“So you could just call me _Heinz._ Or Doctor. Or even _Ocelot Heinz,_ if you _want_ to be _formal,_ Perry the Platypus.”

Perry’s thoughts finally caught up to him. _‘You’re an animal,’_ he chirred in confusion, keeping his nemesis (nemesis? _Was_ this really his nemesis, the ocelot claiming to be Heinz Doofenshmirtz?) in front of him.

“Yes, yes I am,” Heinz confirmed, trotting over to his now defunct android. “Look what you _did,_ Perry the Platypus, now I have to build that _all over_ again, and _now_ I can’t even _order pizza_ because I don’t have a _body_ to _answer_ the door with! This will take me _forever_ to fix.”

Perry lifted a finger in the air. Paused. Looked at the android. The -inator. Took a breath.

 _‘So let me get this straight,’_ he started, looking back harshly at the ocelot. Heinz turned his attention to Perry, sitting down next to the ruins of his droid. _‘You’re an animal evil scientist.’_

“That about sums it up, I guess,” Heinz confirmed with a careless shrug.

_‘Why?’_

“Why _not?”_ he shot back, abruptly standing back up and going over to Perry. “You and your other _OWCA agents_ get to be _heroes._ I get to be a _villain._ Come _on,_ Perry the Platypus, it’s not _rocket science.”_

Before Perry could get out another word, Heinz held up a paw. “Now come on, you’ve _destroyed_ my -inator _and_ my robot, so _let’s just_ get to the _curse you, Perry the Platypus!_ as you _fly out the window_ to victory and go do... _whatever_ it is platypuses do when they’re _not being secret agents.”_ He paused. “Platypuses? Platypi? Platypodes? English is _funny_ like that, _isn’t it,_ Perry the Platypus?”

Perry was still somewhat reeling and had absolutely no interest in debating the proper grammar of his species. He simply blinked at Heinz, not sure what the protocol now would be, and then gave a slow thumbs up. Heinz laid down on the ground, head still held up, and curled his tail around himself as he stared Perry down, and Perry was very aware that the cat in front of him was, in fact, a predator.

One who was apparently smart enough and skilled enough to build androids and functional -inators, even if most of them backfire, work improperly or have extremely ridiculous uses.

Perry had never been trained for this.

“Go on, now,” Heinz said to him, ears flicking. “Go give your report to _Major Monobrow_ now.”

(How Heinz knew about Major Monogram, Perry wasn’t sure at the time.)

Taking the hint to leave, Perry pulled out his jetpack and flew out the hole in the wall. He had absolutely no idea what he was going to do.

* * *

In the end, Perry didn’t tell Monogram and Carl about his discovery. He simply reported a success and left it at that. Whether or not Monogram knew what Heinz Doofenshmirtz really was wasn’t his concern.

(He pretended like that wasn't a lie; he knew this information would change how Heinz was dealt with from the start.)

He was still Perry’s nemesis after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry is off his game today and makes a few mistakes. Heinz isn't as heartless as he'd like people to believe.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus, how unexpected,” the ocelot in front of him almost purred from his perch atop his newest -inator. “And by that I mean _how totally expected!”_

Pretty obvious, considering the trap holding him suspended upside down. Perry glanced around, noting that the lab seemed to have been repaired from their last fight; the wall had been patched and one could hardly tell it had melted through, the ceiling and its rafters were back in order, the floor had been replaced, and in the corner Perry could see an endoskeleton on a pedestal, with metal panels and wires on the tables around it.

With the android only partially rebuilt, obviously the ocelot had no choice but to face Perry as- well, as an ocelot.

Or maybe he was facing Perry himself because Perry already knew the truth.

Heinz leapt down onto the floor in front of the -inator and trotted over to Perry. “I know, the trap isn’t very _inspiring,_ but I did it last minute. I’ve been busy fixing the mess _you_ made, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry rolled his eyes and began to quietly make a plan while the scientist rambled. He’d always been good at improvising. He’d never been trained for this, but it couldn’t be that different from a human nemesis, right?

“Now, you might be asking, _‘what is this thing?’”_ Heinz continued uninterrupted, darting back to the machine in a flash. “Behold, Perry the Platypus, my defenceinator!” Heinz paused, a frown crossing his face. “Okay, saying it out loud makes it sound like it -inates defences. But no! It’s a de _fence_ inator!” he repeated, enunciating each syllable. “When I fire it, it will make every fence disappear, getting rid of _annoying things_ like fences keeping you off of _grass,_ or fences keeping animals locked up under _human control-_ well, okay, maybe it’s more of a de _zoo_ inator? Huh.”

Perry chattered confusedly, raising a brow at Heinz. The ocelot looked at him, and Perry could see a quiet debate in his eyes.

_“Why,_ you ask? Well, _now_ that you know the _truth,_ I suppose I can tell you,” Heinz sighed almost dramatically, casting his eyes towards the rafters. _“You see,_ when I was a young ocelot still with Mama and Papa Ocelot and my brothers, we were caught in the woods near _Gimmelshtump.”_

Perry furrowed his brow- Gimmelshtump, the village Heinz had claimed to be born in. As a human. This made no sense to him.

“Of course, as you _probably know,_ ocelots are not _native_ to Drusselstein, so we were sent to a _zoo._ And it _sucked,_ Perry the Platypus! _Let me tell you,_ it was no fun. Having to drink only the water they _gave us,_ eat the food they provided- and most of it wasn’t even _good,_ Perry the Platypus. Low-budget and not very healthy, I mean it took me _years_ to get my fur _lustrous_ again!”

Perry let out a chitter, urging the scientist to _get on with it._

“Right, right,” Heinz waved Perry’s irritation away. “The _point_ is, after spending a few years in a rundown _zoo_ that fed its animals _scraps,_ you learn to not like fences.

“And of course,” Heinz continued on, looking back at Perry, “then under the table _transactions_ happen, and one day you’re debating with your brothers how to split up lunch and the _next_ you find yourself on the _black market,_ being sold as a _personal pet_ and being put in some _rich guy’s_ fenced in yard, or worse- a _cage!”_

_So that’s where this is going._

Heinz leapt back on top of the -inator, a wide grin spreading across his face. “So now, behold- the freedom of animals everywhere! No more cages, no more fences- freedom, and with their help I will take over the entire! Tri-State! Area!”

Perry could name a few problems with that plan- one of which being that the Danville Zoo treated its animals near reverently, and almost none of the animals there (that he had spoken to before, anyway) had any interest in the world outside those walls they had always known and felt safe and provided for within. Yet other zoos, like the one referenced in today’s backstory?

Yeah, that might be a problem.

So, while the ocelot turned his attention to his -inator, Perry let out a breath and easily dropped out of the rushed trap, and before Heinz even had a chance to realize what was happening he leapt at the device and pulled at the metal paneling.

“Perry the Platypus?! How did- _what_ are you _doing_ , don’t do _that!”_

Ignoring his nemesis for the moment, Perry pried the panel off- he didn’t dare go for the self destruct button, as it was right next to Heinz.

(He wouldn’t admit until later that the sight of the obvious big red button made him think of their last fight, that horrible moment where he was so sure he had just accidentally murdered his nemesis- the sight and smell of smoke, of burning metal and sparking wires rushing through his senses all over again, now joined with the illusion of burnt fur...)

Wires exposed themselves to Perry, but before he could do anything Heinz crashed into him, sending both of them to the floor. Perry barely managed to flip away, escaping the claws caught in his fur before they could catch _him,_ and glared at Heinz. The cat was crouching down, claws extended and tail flicking, and Perry realized that fighting Heinz one-on-one had gotten so much more dangerous than before.

Before, he was fighting an android that was, for all intents and purposes, basically human. Now, he was fighting a practiced hunter, an animal with built-in knives in its paws who wasn’t likely to play fair. Quick and stealthy, able to jump higher than Perry could and, as cats tend to, always landed on his feet, Perry knew he wasn’t in the best spot.

He was fighting a wild animal with a vendetta.

(Deep down, he knew, if worse came to worst, he could use his spurs and definitely come out on top of this quarrel- but that was a length he wasn’t wanting to go to. He was a trained agent, he should be able to resolve this without going to potentially-lethal means. Besides, Heinz had yet to actually try to _use_ his claws and teeth against Perry.)

He steeled his nerves, not letting his instincts telling him to _get out_ show on his face. He was a platypus- and just because the ocelot in front of him was a bigger predator with bigger prey, it didn’t make Perry any less of a predator, too. With that in mind, he bared his teeth at the ocelot and let out a warning chitter.

When Heinz mirrored the action with teeth much sharper than Perry’s, he figured maybe it wasn’t the best idea.

“What are you _waiting_ for, Perry the Platypus?” Heinz began speaking again, as the silence between them dragged on. “An _invitation?_ Cat got your tongue?” he threw out with a smug smirk, and Perry’s eye twitched in agitation. “Ooh, are you _scared,_ Perry the Platypus?”

_Oh. Okay. That’s it._

Ocelot or human, Perry resolved, it didn’t matter. This was his nemesis, and he _was_ going to defeat him. He reached up and tilted his hat slightly, watching as the ocelot’s smug smirk morphed into confusion. Then he ran straight at the cat, and Heinz’s eyes widened.

_“What are you doing,_ Perry the Platypus?!”

Heinz didn’t have a chance to move as Perry leapt up onto his face, using his head as a springboard to get back onto the -inator. The force of the kick (though it was less a kick and more a maneuver, if you asked Perry) sent Heinz tumbling to the ground with a yelp, and Perry grabbed the wires and yanked them out. The machine let out a high whirr, but Perry quickly dug through the innards of the machine until he found a small glowing sphere- the power source.

“Perry the Platypus, _what are you doing?!”_

He gripped the power sphere, ignoring the burning sensation in his palm as he did so, and yanked it out, allowing himself to fall back onto the floor with the ball in his hand.

He felt something collide with his wrist, sending the power source flying. It hurt very little compared to the sharp burning, and he glared at Heinz as the power sphere rolled across the floor.

Heinz glared back.

“What are you _thinking?!_ That was _crazy,_ Perry the Platypus, you could have gotten yourself _killed!”_ his nemesis scolded, and Perry blinked in confusion. The ocelot’s tail flicked. “You know, you _could_ have just used the _self-destruct button_ like _normal!_ It has one! _Right there!_ You didn’t need to go _burn your hand_ to disable my -inator!”

Heinz paused, glancing at where the power core had been, and Perry couldn’t help but follow his gaze. It had already burned its way into the floor, and Perry winced as he realized exactly what he had been holding in his hand and what could have happened if Heinz hadn’t knocked it away.

“Then again,” Heinz said, more to himself than to Perry, “such an unstable _power sphere_ is one of a kind, and would have _undoubtedly_ survived the _explosion,_ so perhaps getting rid of it was the best plan and you _knew_ that... _but still!”_

Perry looked at his hand with a frown. It was clearly badly burned- not third degree, he knew, but the fur had definitely become slightly charred and he could feel blisters forming already. It hurt, though he didn’t let it show, and he knew if he had held it for more than the few seconds he had, he would have definitely lost his hand.

Perry looked at Heinz again, raising a brow. He pointed his uninjured hand at Heinz and chirred out, _‘You just saved my hand.’_

Heinz paused in his ranting and looked at Perry, a strange expression on his face. “What- _no-_ I mean, _of course,_ how can you fight me _tomorrow_ if you’re on _medical leave?!_ I can’t have them sending a _different_ agent here, Perry the Platypus, I don’t have my _Doofenbot_ ready!”

The ocelot huffed, pawing mindlessly at the tiles. Perry wasn’t sure he was convinced and simply watched Heinz.

A few seconds passed before Heinz stood up again and said, “Stay here, Perry the Platypus, I can patch up your paw. And next time, _use the self-destruct button_ like a _normal_ person!”

* * *

Major Monogram didn’t even bat an eye at the bandage around his hand, and Perry chose not to offer more than necessary.

He didn’t tell Monogram about his instinctive, foolish actions or his rookie mistakes. He didn’t tell Monogram about his ocelot nemesis. He didn’t tell Monogram about how Heinz’s first thought upon seeing him holding the sphere had been to knock it out of his hand, how his first reaction was to scold Perry for putting himself in a dangerous situation.

He didn’t tell Monogram about how the thought of using the self-destruct button scared him.

He was an agent. Agents didn’t get scared.

He promised himself that tomorrow things would be normal again. He’d go in, fight Heinz like he had when he’d been fighting the droid, destroy the -inator, and his nemesis wouldn’t spend the afternoon with him fixing up his hand and making sure the three seconds the sphere was in Perry’s hand hadn’t put poison in his bloodstream.

Tomorrow, he would stop wondering if Heinz was half as evil as he proclaimed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perry's a little hesitant to trust Heinz's self destruct buttons now
> 
> Also, Heinz is still as zany and petty as ever (come on, we love him like that), despite his competence.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heinz lets Perry in on a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is supposed to have a little more edge to it, but I tried to avoid being TOO ooc...
> 
> Also it's 1 AM and I have work in 10 hours so I am sure I'll hate this when I wake up sorry

It took Perry a few more days to actually get back his rhythm, and Heinz either never even noticed or attributed it to his injury. Perry easily shook the burn off, to be honest, and focused on his task at hand- focused on his nemesis- and steadily the fear slipped away.

Even when he was caught, tripped up in some curtain trap, wrapped tightly up in the heavy fabric, and staring up at his monologuing nemesis, he didn’t feel it in him to feel any fear. Because, he’d come to realize, Heinz didn’t want to hurt him.

There were so many chances that he could have. 

Perry let Heinz monologue, instead thinking about the previous days- how grappling with an ocelot was about ten times more dangerous than with a human, how Heinz could have easily gotten the advantage if he just managed to disarm Perry yet he never went for Perry’s hat, how all around strange and confusing his nemesis could be.

Yet not once had Heinz won.

Perry was OWCA of Danville’s best agent, and among the best in the entire agency- so he liked to think that it was his skill. He had always been pretty good at improvising. Luring the cat away from the -inators and hitting the self destruct button with a projectile made sure that they were out of the danger zone, and Perry had to sometimes be crafty about it as Heinz spent a lot of his time perched atop his inventions.

The ocelot really was a genius.

(He had grown to hate hearing other agents disparaging his nemesis before he’d discovered the truth, but now Perry knew there was something so much greater going on here- something he didn’t quite understand, something upsetting yet aweing at the same time.)

“You _know,_ Perry the Platypus, I wasn’t _always_ an ocelot.”

The words pulled him from his thoughts, his gaze focusing on Heinz again. 

Heinz stood atop the -inator, which looked suspiciously a lot like an oversized telescope, and stared down at the platypus. 

Perry blinked, not sure if he should say anything. Not always an ocelot?

(Briefly, he remembered the backstories he’d told about Gimmelshtump. It would certainly explain why the ocelot could speak the language of humans, he mused.)

Heinz jumped onto the floor, though he didn’t move any closer to Perry.

“Yes. One summer _many years ago,_ in Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein.” Heinz’s eyes became distant and Perry frowned. “I was born to Mr. and Mrs. _Doofenshmirtz._ I stayed with them until I was, I don’t know,   _maybe_ six.” He began moving again, towards a monitor hanging from the ceiling, and Perry followed with his eyes. 

The monitor lit up when Heinz went close to it, showing an oddly detailed map of downtown Danville. The center seemed focused on the park, where the mayor was being sworn in. Perry narrowed his eyes.

“You _see,_ my parents never really _wanted_ me,” Heinz went on, jumping up onto the control panel. He had his back to Perry. “I’m _not really_ sure _why._ I told you how I was _forced_ to be a _lawn gnome,_ yes? Well, I didn’t  _ lie _ to you, Perry the Platypus. I just wasn’t _quite_ as old as I led you to _believe.”_

The screen zoomed in until Perry could clearly see the stage, and the mayor-to-be.

(Belatedly he remembered that the new mayor’s name was Doofenshmirtz.)

_“Well,_ Perry the Platypus, let me tell you a _little more,”_ Heinz went on, turning to look at Perry. There was a hard look in his eyes, despite the grin on his face, and Perry was reminded all too suddenly that his nemesis was, in fact, a villain.

(Even if he wasn’t actually as evil as he tried to be.)

“My _mother_ was so very _excited_ when she fell pregnant. Was _so sure_ it was a girl. It wasn’t. So they handed the dresses off to _me_ and made _Roger_ their pride and joy.” His tail flicked in agitation, glaring at the screen behind him. “A _small world,_ isn’t it, Perry the Platypus? That out of _everywhere_ we could have gone, he and I ended up in the _same little city_ in the _same country_ on the _other side_ of the Atlantic.”

He kicked a lever and Perry heard a whirring sound. He glanced, alarmed, at the -inator.

“No matter. He probably doesn’t even _remember_ I _exist,”_ Heinz said bitterly, and Perry knew that he had to escape  _ now. _

Whatever was fuelling Heinz’s anger was dangerous this time.

“He was _probably,_ I’m not really  _ sure, _ less than _six months old_ I’d say when Father took me deep into the woods and _left_ me there.” Perry felt his stomach twist as he began trying to get out of the curtain.

_ Left me there. _

_ Abandoned me. _

_“Luckily for me_ Mama had _just_ had a litter of kittens,” Heinz went on as he walked along the control panel. He jumped up onto a platform at about the same moment Perry’s fist curled around a loose fiber. “Papa found me, a small child hurt, alone and crying, and took me back to Mama and my brothers. They took me in, and they _loved me,_ and _raised me,_ and taught me _everything_ it meant to be an ocelot. To be a _family.”_

Perry yanked on the loose fiber as well as he could, and the curtain began unraveling all at once. Heinz was too caught up in his backstory to even notice.

“Then, one day, without warning,” Heinz went on as Perry stumbled to his feet, “the humans came back to _reclaim_ me. It was _terrifying,_ Perry the Platypus- a child who had for _years_ lived with ocelots, in the woods, hunting for his food and speaking with animals. I could barely even _remember_ German, Perry the Platypus! I had learned to _walk_ like the _others!_ I wasn’t _human_ anymore, Perry the Platypus, and they _took me anyway.”_

Perry inched forwards, eyes darting around. Heinz was angry, hurt, bitter- and Perry was starting to understand why- but right then disabling that -inator was Perry’s top priority. He didn’t even want to know what it did, he just wanted it gone.

“I was returned to _Mother and Father,_ and you know what they _did?_ Shoved me into _gnome clothes_ and put me _outside._ Roger was school age by that time and didn’t _know_ me, and called me things I didn’t _understand._ It’s not easy to _stand_ being insulted in a language you _can’t understand,_ Perry the Platypus!”

Heinz leapt up onto the -inator again, still not facing Perry, who took full advantage of this to make a break for the -inator.

However, a cage clanked down around him, and Heinz simply looked at him, unimpressed. Perry shook the bars.

“You know it’s _rude_ to interrupt, right?” Heinz asked, but he didn’t even give Perry a chance to respond. “Look, I’ll _hurry the story up_ and we’ll get this show on the road. _Basically,_ I ended up there for a year, _re-learning_ how to be _human,_ and it was  _ awful, _ just  _ awful, _ really. Roger was _awful,_ Mother was _awful,_ Father was _awful,_ the neighbors were _awful._ I hated _every second of it,_ Perry the Platypus. So, after a little... _accident,_ which made me _realize_ I would _never_ be accepted by them, I decided I would return to the _only ones_ who _ever did;_ my real family.”

The -inator was making a high-pitched whining now, and Perry knew he was running out of time. He pulled a lazer from his hat and began blasting the lock.

“So I made my _first ever_ -inator, the _Ocelotinator,_ and returned _home_ to my _family._ And _Heinz Doofenshmirtz_ became a missing person that _nobody missed at all,”_ Heinz almost laughed, bitterness breaking what would have otherwise been a joyful sound. 

_“This,_ of course, isn’t the Ocelotinator,” Heinz went on as Perry managed to slip out of the cage. “Why would I want  _ him _ to be an _ocelot?_ It’s nothing so _great,_ really. It’s just a Memory Erasinator- when it hits someone, it makes everyone forget that they _ever existed at all!”_

Perry almost stopped in his tracks.

_ ‘Wait, what?’ _ he asked flatly.  _ Is he serious right now. _

“Well yes.” Heinz looked at Perry grinning again. “I’m a _missing_ person _nobody_ missed at all. He’ll be a _found_ person nobody _knows_ at all!”

Perry gritted his teeth.  _ And to think I was getting panicked for that?! _

“What’s with _that_ look, Perry the Platypus? Wait, how did you even get out of that cage?” Heinz demanded. “I  _ lived _ in a cage for a whole year once and couldn’t escape!”

_ ‘We’re done here,’ _ Perry chattered at the ocelot before leaping up and grabbing him, throwing him away from the -inator.

Heinz was clearly caught off guard, but as was only natural he seemed to flip in mid-air and land on his paws. “Perry the Platypus, get _away_ from that Memory Erasinator _this instant!”_

Ignoring his nemesis for the moment, Perry slammed his fist against the self destruct button and leapt away.

He turned around in time to watch it implode, leaving little more than scorch marks on the floor to show it had ever existed at all.

“You ruin _everything,_ don’t you, Perry the Platypus?” Heinz huffed. “You didn’t even _fight_ me about it, you just  _ threw _ me! Which, by the way,  _ rude!” _

Perry looked at the ocelot disapprovingly, seeing the way he was scowling and pawing at the floor. His claws scraped against the tiles, and he stubbornly refused to meet Perry’s gaze, glaring instead at the wall. He looked truly upset, in a way Perry hadn’t seen before.

(Heinz was an ocelot because his parents abused him. Heinz was an ocelot because his parents replaced him. Heinz was an ocelot because his parents abandoned him.)

Perry let out a breath, his expression softening as the pieces fell into place. He had really thought the -inator could have killed the new mayor, and sure a “forget this person ever existed” -inator was much less dangerous and much more preferable, it still hadn’t been good.

Heinz really had it out for his biological family.

He went over to Heinz and set a hand on his shoulder. Heinz immediately tensed up at the casual contact, but he slowly looked at Perry, cautious.

Perry didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what he could say.  _ It’s okay? _ But it wasn’t.  _ It’ll be okay? _ He wasn’t one for making promises he couldn’t keep.  _ Hang in there? _ He already was. Already had been.

So, instead of saying anything, he just pat Heinz’s shoulder in what he hoped was reassurance.

Heinz’s tail flicked once, twice, and then... 

He sighed, his muscles relaxing, and he just dropped onto the floor. “I _get it,_ Perry the Platypus. You can _go now.”_

Perry hesitated only briefly, but as Heinz flopped over in a patch of sunlight to nurse his metaphorical wounds, Perry figured it would be best to go.

* * *

After he turned in his usual report, very carefully crafted to not be lying but without revealing the truth (thankfully, HQ wasn’t interested in pointless backstories, only information that might be important; such as Heinz being the mayor’s biological brother...), Perry pulled out a piece of paper and began recording his own reports.

Personal reports, for his eyes only- not Major Monogram’s, not Carl’s, not anyone else’s. 

He quietly vowed to pay a little more attention to Heinz’s backstories. They were, undoubtedly, the things that drove him to this point.

Perry would figure him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also yeah, not sure if you picked up on it, but Heinz is actually speaking English while Perry does not, thus why their dialogue is written differently. Heinz can speak, er, ocelot? animal language?, but for reasons that I'll go over in a future chapter, he defaults to human languages.
> 
> There's a little twisting of Heinz's backstories for this, of course, but I was wanting him to spend a good chunk of his formative years with the ocelots for a few different reasons.


End file.
